meditatio at the water's edge

Dad is going to marry...
Those words instantly moved Anna, my 4 1/2 year old, into a frenzy last night. Then I asked her if she wanted to come along to the wedding. Her crying, screaming, and physical reaction only intensified. She quickly ran up to her room.

After giving her several minutes to calm down, I went up and sprawled out next to her on the bottom bunk of her bunk beds. She buried her head in her pillow and wanted nothing to do with me. It all seemed odd - extremely odd. She's level headed, thoughtful, and rarely acts with emotions that can't be explained.

Finally I asked, "What's wrong Anna?" And after fighting back tears, her response was simple. "I don't want you to marry someone else. (pause) You are already married to mom."

SIGH from dad. Sigh that things would be o.k. with Anna. Sigh that she had terribly misunderstood her dad. Sigh that she didn't understand that a pastor-dad can 'marry' someone without tipping the world of the family into the garbage can. Sigh that I was just plain dumb for thinking she would understand what I meant when I said, "I'm going to marry."

I hate the English language. Idiots must have created it. BUT - perhaps we are just as stupid with the way that we pretend to be 'church.' We go to 'church' to worship. We spend zillions of dollars on 'church' buildings. We proclaim the name of Christ using our language and definitions, and yet we wonder why the world outside of the 'church' doesn't get our language.

Back to Anna. I crushed her spirit, temporarily destroyed her trust in me, our family, and even mom. I think it's restored. Still, a part of me hurts that I created, although not intentional, that pain in her life. ... And I wonder what pain I am creating somewhere as a result of a word that has not been understood correctly or a poor choice of words on my behalf?

To be a sent people... We better be aware of our words, and we better get beyond preaching in the 'church' and learn to live our words with our lives.