meditatio at the water's edge

Jason Evans' blog on August 17, 2002 spurred something I've been realizing recently: I do some really stupid things sometimes...okay, alot of times. Like starting projects for myself before I finish others. That stuff I blogged the other day about my four big projects...don't be impressed, please. It's stupid. Really, I have been getting myself into way too much lately, and it is wearing me down in a major way.

Why am I doing all of this stuff? I could tell you the story of my twin who died before we were born and give you some idea that I am trying to live for two people, but that is just plain kooky. The truth is that I am a people pleaser. (Is my honesty impressing you? Good.) I don't like people to be disappointed in me. (You're not mad at me for being honest like this are you?) It's not my dad's fault or my mom's. They never put any pressure on me to earn their love. So why do I feel like I have to do all this stuff? Well, frankly, I think it is because there are six billion people who don't know how great I am. (For those of you who haven't got what I'm doing here yet, this is called "Brutal Honesty").

There, I wrote it. That is the sad state of my heart. Believe me, I am seriously insecure at times. Why do I want to be admired by everyone I meet? I think it is because too often, I am living according to an alternate story rather than the one I know I should have more confidence in.

The story I am increasingly learning to live by goes like this: "You can live your whole life without recognition and still be complete because you are the beloved of God. You will begin to truly live when you lose sight of yourself because you are captivated by the beauty of God and the beauty in each person that bears God's image...when you love other people enough to say, 'No'...when you love other people enough to say, 'I need your help'...when you love God enough to say, 'Not my will, but Yours be done'...when God's life breaks into your heart in such a way that the death that works within you no longer has space in which to operate...when fear, anger, greed, lust, malice, rudeness, and violence no longer have claim to who you are."

It is strange how, when you try to simplify your life, you can miss the point and just say "Yes" to too many good things. I am learning what it means to say "Yes" to One. That is the heart of simplifying my life...saying "Yes" to One. The rest should be an expression of that "Yes".